I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
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Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Oh deer