if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Yup
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever