I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
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Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
With this onion ring, I thee fed
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?