[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
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*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.