I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
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I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.