I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
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I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.