Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
You Might Also Like
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently