Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
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Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
OKAY DAD
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.