Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
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Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint