Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
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We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Smooooooth
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon