1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
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Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay