There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
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I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
A couple who are silly together stay together.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.