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[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?