FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
You Might Also Like
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*