Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
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Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My typo game is string.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
This is I, Robot all over again
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me