To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
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just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion