Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
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I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.