If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
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Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?