I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
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I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
dutch is not a serious language
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
12. I think about this all the damn time