Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
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Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
i love modern commerce
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes