I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
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*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
There’s no “u” in narcissist
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Never ghost your hitman.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.