[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
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I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.