“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
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I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
*bites zombie*
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.