[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
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five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Phones down.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Just got to our Airbnb!
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
When someone trying to leave me
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer