For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
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My current situation
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Woke up against my better judgment again
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.