Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
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Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?