Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
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While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.