Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
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WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
#DesignFail
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.