ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
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“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
*weighs self after shaving
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”