One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
You Might Also Like
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
me and my fake scenarios
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r