I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
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13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”