I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
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One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months