jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
You Might Also Like
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.