Woke up with morning Yule Log
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MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
twitter users today:
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk