i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
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Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.