doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
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I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
So inspired right now.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂