I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
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Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival