It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
You Might Also Like
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Overindulged this afternoon.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?