Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
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When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Catering service
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.