I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
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The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.