Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
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I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me