Ain’t no way
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me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!