Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
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HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
When I said I liked it rough.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.