Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
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The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 馃ス
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
He a real one for that
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you鈥檙e still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
I鈥檝e put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I鈥檝e no idea if it鈥檚 getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.