Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
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what the
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]