Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
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Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram