The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
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If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Always a housemaid, never a house.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.