My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
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Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
This is my favorite one of these!
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.