[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
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me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
lol
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳