Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
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‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.